This story again, is based on my experience of one morning, breakfast time.
My father in law was preparing Idli uppuma, which my husband had liked a lot, the last time we gave it for lunch. So today again, was uppuma day. I was noting down the recipe, exact ingredients he put in, and quantity. So, we started discussing how he made sambar too, because my husband had gone ga-ga over the sambar prepared by his dad. Till now, sambar preparation was my responsibility,and i put in what I usually did. Sambar podi, coriander , cumin etc. Turns out, my father in law, does not put any of the above listed podis, but only, salt, turmeric,and red chilly powder. Adding red chilly powder is something i had done before, but only in addition to sambar podi. Adding only red chilly powder was new to me, and I said so.
My father-in-law's favorite refrain is that I make everything "North Indian style". So when He said I made my sambar too, north Indian style, I replied that there was nothing north Indian about making Sambar. as it was a south Indian dish. I said the difference is you make it the non brahmin style ,and I make it the brahmin style, by adding sambar podi.
Now this apparently, rankled him,, and he chided me by saying, "No. Its not that. you always need to come out on top in any discussion,. "
I was hurt. I asked him what ingredients he put in sambar podi, Turns out , his list added and subtracted quantities from the ingredients which I used to make sambar podi. Essentially, it was the same.
On reflection, it was clear that he has a fatherly prejudice against anything his son, does wrong.and insists its the way to be done,"Anything my son does wrong, it is because he does not know any better". On th other hand, if I challenged his notions, I am the one" who always wants to win the argument".
Incident in point: When he arrived here, I generally told him I did not like onions with every vegetable. I was making vegetables in 2 ways- with onions, for him and my husband, and without, the way I liked. So cooking one day, I told him how my husband had insisted , the previous year navaratri, that I make sundal with onion, for giving to guests. i was against the idea, since onion is not supposed to be used while preparing neivedhyam on festival days. My husband however, tells me, not to impose my " brahmin" ways on everyone. I knew his fondness for onion dishes,and so gave in, making 2 varieties of sundal. One for neivedhyam, and one with onion and garlic, just to give guests to eat. (On the phone, my father-in-law had also supported my husband, saying" What is the big problem? its okay if you make it with onion, even for Goddess". )
In my household, the mere mention of garlic and onion in the preparation of sundal for neivedhyam, would draw a series of scoldings and lectures from my mother and grandmother. Here, in their household, onion was OK. So I relented. The whole point of Navaratri was in being happy. It wasn't until one of the guests commented, "How is it, that you have used onion in sundal, on navaratri day?" i explained to them how I had been outvoted by my fatter in law and my husband. And for clarification, that guy was not a Brahmin, neither was his wife. They however, knew, that onion should not be used for festivals.
So, the lack of knowledge on my husband's part, in respect to onions and neivedhyam, was alright. Why? My father in law justified it thus- The town he was brought up in, had a lot of Naidus, Chettiars and so, there was very little Brahmin influence in my husband's life, for him to know about these intricacies of religious functions. However, when I mention, that sambar was made in non-brahmin style, I get chided for expressing what I thought. (What is Aachi milaga podi, if not catering to the taste buds of non brahmins?)
Since my wedding day, I have always tried to avoid mention of "iyer aathu" or brahmin/ non brahmin references. I strongly believed, if it wasn't stopped then, it would affect our kids later on in life. I told my husband, lets just distinguish between being vegetarians and non-vegetarians"
After this incident, I am just waiting for the time when I will have support. That will happen when my parents visit us,and they start chiding my husband, for all his ways- because " its not how it is supposed to be done" and " you always want to prove that you are right" references.
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